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Wednesday, 22 September 2010

  • The Truth is something thats always hidden. It sleeps in an unawaitful place, with no care to be found. It is as if we are playing hide and go seek but we are seeking blind. After all how can one find something that you can not see? how can one know that the truth is found when you have no idea what the truth looks like. It seems like we are all running away from things that we can not even see if it was right in our face. What then are we left to do? stay lost? Fuck the World. "all [this] bullshit is for the birds" give me something REAL to belive in.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

  • My limit?

    You infuriate me beyond understanding. You do it on purpose with out remorse. The truth is wasted on you, love is wasted on you. What is this "mothers know best" non-sense. yea mothers know best, know the best way to make you take a knife stab yourself to death and pray she ends up in heaven to merely not spend eternity in hell with her. I thank god every time I remember how you REALLY are that I don't live with you. I've finally found a regret in my life, I regret ever missing you. my love is wasted on you. I give it out to you because I want to show you what real love is, but you don't learn from it. You don't appreciate it, you think its a thing I have to give. I've told my farther on many occasions that you needn't know if I go to the doctor. You needn't know that I am sick, or even if I have the flu or I'm failing a class. Such things you needn't know.

    The sky falls now, and it mirrors my frustration for you. A tornado is screaming through my county, and you don't care, therefore why should I? Now I see, now I understand. Why would I care for my life, my own mother would take my life before anyone else could. There was a time that I had already done the job for her. I tortured myself worse than she would to lessen the pain she would cause. She would tell me no electronics but I had already been doing that for days or weeks before she could take it. I make it so there is nothing more she can take from me. and she try to take more ad I let her. I deserve everything I get. otherwise it wouldn't happen. I deserved the death upon me. but now I live again. she does not live with me I have found true love in the eyes of my beholder. I live, and she comes to take it. and I fight it. For once i fight for I'm tired of not fighting. surprise i hit my rebellious stage late, but its here in the brain of a college adult that can't be fooled as a teen raging with frivolous hatred can. every time i talk to her, I do surely shorten my years on this earth. how can I honor a person who dose'nt love me. and is that law void when a parent provokes their children? after all that's in the bible as well. how can I go on with this frustration and hatred for the one who gave me life. i give her chances to know me. I am honest with her beyond understanding. but perhaps its now that I need to say no more. perhaps this is all i can handle. maybe this is my limit. "don't cry to me, if you loved me you would be here with me…make up your mind" you either care or you don't. I pray you will become the women I once I knew but I know she is long dead as the little innocent girl I used to be. but only difference is that I can still not let the world get to me. I can still be happy without any need of worldly things. but I am tired I am sick of trying with you. I boyfriend who has cheated, beat, stole, raped, and placed me in the hospital would be more worth forgiving than you. 

    "you'll never know the way your words have hunted me…you don't know me. now or ever."

     "I'm losing my mind" and you don't care. I'm so upset that i feel sick, clearly its time for me to let go of you. I should have done this a year and a half ago when you gave me the choice. but im taking that offer now. rather its on the table or not. and you wonder why I don't wish to tell you everything."you want the truth?YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH" and because you cant, you install you fears into others and act like your not. I will no longer be afraid of your egregious ways, this is my exodus, from you. 

     

  • -cloud nine-

    I'm falling for it again. I try to run from who I am but how can I stop? Im so quick to offer and even though I now voice that I am doing more than I should, for i see what I am doing and they say oh I'm sorry nvm, I insist for i feel bad for even bringing up the fact that I do too much. 

    I'm not trying to get credit. I'm trying to stop, but I cant do nothing when someone thinks I can help so they turn to me. And before most even turn to ask I've already place the offer of all I can do on the table. I want to stop, but I cant because once I state it I jus cant say no when they beg after I play the no no it's not like that game…

    you'd be mad if you knew…but then again, stop being a hypocrite for you do it too, you just don't realize it. Don't you judge me…not this time...

    "don't cling to me i swear I can't fix you" I'm sorry…

     

Saturday, 17 July 2010

  • Running from the obvious

    When The truth comes out why do we run from it? They say the truth hurts, hence the Rugrats quote "you want the truth? You can't handle the truth" Is the truth truly so elusive that we can't grasp it correctly? We walk on the edge of the truth, slipping to the connivence of the lies  we value as life savers. But when will we see that our lies are our truths and our truths are our lies. And when this fact is realized will we stop or will we continue on this messed up path we have carved for ourselves. Its time for us to realize what is the truth, half the truth is still a lie, this is the problem for me. I make a keen apparent to not say white lies to save my ass. I know that lies become a problem when you cant remember whats the lies and whats the truths. so vie sticked to the truth but only partial truths. I've come far from not making up bs lie stories, and now that I think about it I get my lying from my mom. She always taught me by example and through words that if the benefits out weigh the damages then lying, stealing, killing, and cheating was perfectly okay. but I will no longer use crutches of this is why. who cares why? what matters is who i decide to be, right? its hard, so what, I want to be the me I was when I was younger. untouched and unmoved by societies bs. Im not asking to be innocent, I'm asking to be happy dispute whats around me. to "be in this world but not of it."

    "thats the way I feel, and I always will. there aint no substitute for the truth. either it is or it isn't. you see the truth it needs no proof. either it is or it isn't."

     

  • running scared

    What am I supposed to feel. Everything that happens to me. Its such a dejavu. I know your not me. No one is me. No two people are the same. so why is there pain everywhere and not jus pain, but the same pains that I have been so accustomed to in my life. the same pain that I am escaping from, running from. Ive managed to take my happiness and run with it. But I can only run to so long. I don't know how good the bad will get me when i catches me but I have to run till theres no where left to run. I've learned my lesson, hiding does not work. And I its not that I get caught when running. I merely get tired of doing so. There comes a time when the truth comes out. but heres whats confusing. I run from the truth only to explode the truth and then i run some more after its relealement. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? everyone has this complex Idea that they are the only ones going through their heart ace. no one in the world understands them. but the funny thing is that I do. So much that I cry in pain, on the inside of course, from their pain as much as I would for my own. I don't want to say I understand for I know how those words feel when spoken, no one understands, yet some people do. and its so rare to find someone who knows how to understand. the truth is no one can understand but there are the few who can relate. similar stories different people. same song, same course, different lyrics. I want to help, I want to do anything. but haven't I learned my lesson? all this pain, that is not mine that I take, Why do i take it? because they refuse to? like I refused to and others had to take the pain for me? how long will I let this cycle go on. But then it stops at If i don't who will? and should that really matter? Ive done my part, Ive done more than needed, i've caused enough problems, I've done enough damage. I've done things that I shouldn't have. some may say its not big deal, but I find that when I am in this state, when I am so annoyed, I throw people out to die. To deal with the full conception and depth of their current situation and if that kills them then so be it for I jus want to be out of the way. but isn't this a bad act in itself. should it not be for them as I've always revolved around? its always been about the other person. what will make them happy. and im still recovering from that way of thinking that im slipping backwards again. Im stating ill help when it should no longer be my place. It was never my place. there are things that are not my business and because I've allowed it to be my business I've allowed it to be my business to fix as well. What is there left to think? the world is upside down. Goodbyes, never work. you either say bye and always remember always holding on or you keep going on in a relationship you know you should say no more to. here I am still strung it, its my break for peek sakes and I still cant seem to grasp it.